The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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