ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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