I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
