This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
