Swine flu. Run for my life!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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