The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
