1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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