i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Randomize
