Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
