Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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