The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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