My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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