ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
