Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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