Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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