return my video game
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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