Your tits are I can't wait for
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize