Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
