Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
