Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
