I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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