god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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