i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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