Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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