Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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