I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
