Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
