why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
