I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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