first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
