I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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