oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
