All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
