too bad you live with your parents still
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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