you didnt know i had herpes?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
