fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
