I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
