just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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