Please, let me fuck your mom
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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