You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
