I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
