you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
