Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
