things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
