I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
