I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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