I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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