Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
