Me too!
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
