I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
