so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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