I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
