she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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