put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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