Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
