yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
