Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i think i have two assholes
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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